Popular Nigerian actress Stella Damasus is out with an inspiring new post on her website which she titled “Dating My Abuser”.
Narrating her story, she shared some important experiences that may
actually save or help someone who is probably going through the same
thing she went through then.
Read the inspiring post below…
”A few days ago I was reminded that it was okay to be
vulnerable and
human. I seem to have forgotten how relaxing it can be to let it all out
sometimes, not caring if I would be judged, laughed at or insulted.
I had to remember that it was important to share some experiences that
may actually save or help someone who is probably going through the same
thing.
”My story begins on a fun and exciting Saturday night in Lagos
Nigeria, where I attended an after party. I met a tall dark and handsome
man who was introduced to me through a mutual friend. We spoke for a
few minutes, exchanged numbers and then parted ways. I didn’t see or
hear from him again until about 6 months later when I got a call on my
way to a friend’s private birthday party. He asked where I was and I
told him where I was going, so he wanted to meet up at the venue and
that was fine.
”He came and we continued the conversation that we didn’t get to
finish the first time we met. After that night, we started seeing each
other more often as he would call me and say all the right things, then
ask to see me.
”So there I was feeling special, thinking that this stud must really
like me so much that he had to see me about four times a week. My head
was in the clouds because he came to me in a very honest and humble
manner, he didn’t have much but was not embarrassed at all because of
who I was and what I had. In my head, I was thinking “Wow what a
confident man.”
She continued: ”Needless to say, I fell for him hopelessly even against advice from everyone around me.
”The relationship started and instead of taking the time to really
study and know him, I decided to give, give and give without thinking
twice. I gave time, I gave energy, I gave money, I gave respect, I gave
submission, I gave love, I gave honor, and I gave everything a woman
would, just to make her man feel important and loved.
”I gave money and everything that comes with making a man stand proud
and feel wealthy. I did this so much that even when you ask me a
question or want me to appear somewhere I would ask him first or look
out for his expression to get approval.
”All this was to make him feel like the head, make him feel like the
man, make him feel respected and know that his financial status does not
make him less of a man, make him feel like he has his authority, and
make him feel like he had the best woman any man could ever ask for.
”Everyone around me hated the fact that I did more and more to make
him happy and then they started noticing that I was loosing my
happiness, I was losing weight, I was losing myself but the funny thing
is that I didn’t even notice. Eventually, I got so angry that I started
pushing my friends and family away.
”He kept telling me that everyone around me expected me to do better
in choosing a man just because he didn’t have money or a job. I bought
into that and attacked everyone, telling them that they were being
unfair and judgmental. So I made it my job to make sure he had something
to do, he had a car, he had his own apartment, he had the latest
devices etc.
”All of this was to prove everybody wrong so they could see what he could become if we just gave him a chance and helped him.
”After a while I started noticing that he became aggressive towards
my friends, anyone I introduced him to, people I worked with etc. All of
a sudden he didn’t like anybody anymore and didn’t want them around us.
Then it all grew into calling me names at the slightest provocation
even though I was not sure of what I did to provoke him. He would say
things like “I am doing you a favor by being with you”, “how easy do you
think it is to find a single guy like me to date a woman with kids”?,
“you are too controversial to have a sane man stay with you”, “the only
thing you have going is your career other than that you are not really
worth it”.
”There were stronger names he called me like BITCH and other curse
words he would use, but I would rather not even write them.The worst
part in all of this is, after hearing these words over and over again I
got used to it and even started thinking that he was right
”When he was done insulting me, he would walk up to me and say “see
what you made me do, you are the only one who can get me to this point,
you know how much I love you so why are you turning me into this
monster?”, and yours truly would stupidly start to apologize for making
him abuse me mentally.
”As far as I was concerned at that time, it was strong love and
because he loved me madly, him getting upset with me, made me the
monster.
”I lived in this lie for a long time and was still too blind to see
how awful I started looking and feeling. I didn’t even want to be seen
too much so that no one would ask me if I was ill. People would come to
me with proof of him cheating but for some silly reason I would make
excuses for him. Out of fear of an argument I would not even want to
confront him about it. I was so scared that I would ask myself “if you
confront him and he leaves out of anger, are you sure you would meet
someone else who is better? This was where i started using the phrase
THE DEVIL YOU KNOW IS BETTER THAN THE ANGEL YOU DON’T KNOW. Silly silly
phrase because the truth is, if you know someone to be a devil you are
better off without the person.
”Anyway, I stayed in the relationship until one day when he got upset
that a guy gave me the card to his hotel because he wanted my band to
sing there. He got so mad that he punched the wall in my study. When he
did that, it was as if a very thick veil was pulled from my eyes. That
was when I realized that the kind of anger that made him punch a wall
can even push him to hit me since I was the cause of his anger.
”I don’t know if it was the prayers of my mother or my best friend’s,
but something gave me courage that day and kept urging me to get him
out of my life before it was too late. I yelled for my home staff and
they came into the study and I asked them to get him out. I told him
boldly never to come near me, my home or my family. That was how God
delivered me from my abuser. If he had not punched that wall, I don’t
think I would have had the courage to end the relationship.
”Sometimes, when women find themselves in an abusive relationship,
it’s easy for others to judge them or ask them to just pick up and
leave. Even though it’s the right thing to do, it’s not that easy when
you are the one in the relationship. Abuse takes a stronghold on the
victim and messes up their mental state. If the victim is not careful
she may accept the blame and never find the boldness to leave.
”It is also worse for those who are not financially independent.
”Mental abuse can actually turn out to be worse than physical abuse
because with the physical you can prove it, you can also see the scars
and they can be treated. Don’t get me wrong it is extremely dangerous to
go through it but with mental abuse, there is hardly any proof and no
one can see the bruises or the scars so you don’t even know how or what
to treat. It may affect you mentally for years and that is scary because
it definitely affects any other relationship you may have, if ever.
THE ABUSER’S MODE OF OPERATION
1. Identifies your weakness and uses it to gain your love and trust
2. Tells you the things they know you want to hear.
3. Gets rid of everyone around you who has the ability or capability to help/rescue you.
4. Makes you emotionally dependent on him.
5. Feeds your mind with things that you will believe are beneficial to your relationship.
6. Uses your emotions to control your mind and reasoning
7. Tells you negative things about yourself and repeats it so it sticks in your mind
8. Compares you to others just to prove that you are not worth it and not good enough
9. Gives you the impression that he is doing you a favor by being with you.
10. Blames you for things even when you don’t know about them.
11. Yells and picks fight at the slightest provocation.
12. Starts to get physical but begs for forgiveness, telling you that
his love for you makes you the only person that can get him that mad.
13. Makes you think the abuse is your fault and you have to fix it.
14. Intentionally allows you to lose yourself/esteem so that he can gain full control of your mind.
15. Batters your mind so much that even when he hits you and there are visible scars, you find yourself making excuses for him.
16. You become afraid of the unknown so you stay in the relationship because you don’t want to start over in a new relationship.
17. He gets you to the phase where you become numb so you can’t even feel that something is wrong.
It continues like this until something really bad happens or the woman runs away.
The good thing is that there is help and support for women and men going through any form of abuse.
Please don’t die in silence and don’t believe that the abuse is your fault.
Speak out and get help.
Photo credit: Stella Damasus Website
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